dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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