what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
