WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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