is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
