the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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