so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
