She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
