The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
