I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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