apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We named our party play list daddy issues
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
