I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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