Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
