i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
