My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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