Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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