I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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