I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
