Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
