It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
