I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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