his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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