I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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