Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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