I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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