my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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