i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
