70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
