I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
