maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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