I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
