i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
