My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
