I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
