how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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