How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
