I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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