She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
