Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
