if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All I want is dick and wine.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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