we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
