he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nutella sex= disaster
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Shame is for Republicans.
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