You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
