Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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