and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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