Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
