just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
