Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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