so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
