so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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