my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
the liver wants what the liver wants
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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