dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
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Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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