Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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