my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
