If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
