haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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