I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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