Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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