ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
