Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
