2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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